My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
—Winston Churchill—
My wife and I are coming up on five years of being married. Since October of 2017, we’ve lived in four different homes, became cat owners, obtained a master’s degree, became a U.S. citizen, and saved a substantial amount of money. Before getting married, I didn’t know what to expect. How hard would it be? Who would be in charge of what? Do we keep money separate? Where will we live? At present, we reside in a one-bedroom, 724 sq. ft. apartment in Baton Rouge. The apartment is nice. The city is alright. She’s in school and I work. Life isn’t bad. Though there were times early on in our marriage when that wasn’t the case.
EARLY DAYS
When we first started out it was pretty awful in terms of our living arrangement. We moved into a tiny house in Lafayette near UL’s campus. It was run down, had no insulation, and it just looked sad. Our pipes froze during the winter, our washer and dryer were in the kitchen, and right outside our house was a big gravel parking lot (so no yard). We left that house after six months. We then moved to my hometown of Kaplan right next door to my parent’s house. My wife loved that idea… While not ideal, this was critical. We lived there for just over a year and paid no rent (my parents owned the house we lived in). With the money we were able to save, we bought a new car, paid my wife’s college tuition, and moved to a new apartment in Lafayette a year later. Being able to put away big portions of my paycheck each month allowed us to become more financially secure.
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Those first two years were not glamorous, but it was important to make some sacrifices for us to have economic success. It taught us the value of money. We had to learn how to budget, save, and value the things we already possessed. It was a frugal life that helped us see the difference between what is necessary and desirable.
Budget - I track our monthly expenses via spreadsheets to see where the money is going.
Save - Our savings are automated. We pay ourselves (invest) first then use what is left after that.
Value - We owned a lot of older furniture at first. Bed, sofa, chairs, TV, etc… It wasn’t until years later that we could afford to make some upgrades.
IN SYNC
Our interests vary from one another. While I’m not a fan of the true crime genre I am willing to accept it because she likes it. Just like she is willing to accept all the financial media I consume. Our musical taste, clothing, hobbies, and several other things are all different from one another which is not a big issue overall. What’s important is that our values are aligned when it comes to having kids, religion, money, buying a home, our careers, etc… We are in sync on those things. If we weren’t then cracks would start to form in the foundation.
SCORE
I clean the cat’s litter box. It’s a simple task. Takes less than a minute. But I notice that it’s usually only me who cleans it. So when I ask why she never cleans the box she gets defensive and asks why I never wash the clothes. And then it all spirals out of control. We’re both thinking of what the other does and doesn’t do. Bringing up things from months before that ticked us off. It’s absolutely nuts. Do not keep score. Keeping track of every little thing one does or doesn’t do is tiresome and picayune. She does clean the litter box but it’s just me who cleans it a majority of the time. Vice versa with washing clothes.
Scott Galloway puts it nicely:
“It’s human nature to inflate your own contribution to the relationship and minimize your partner’s. Couples who are always taking notes on who’s done what for whom waste energy, and ultimately both feel as if they’re in the loss column. Decide if the relationship as a whole gives you joy and comfort, and if it does (and it better, at this point), then commit to always being on the positive side of the ledger—aim to be generous and do as much as you can for your partner, as often as possible.”
NEXT
I think I’m good at marriage. I have my off days but overall I try my best. The past five years of being married have been nothing short of wonderful. We’re both happy with where we are in life and where we are going. We’re older, wiser, more confident, and a little bit stronger. My wife has been a great teammate over the years. One who is honest, resilient, and compassionate towards others. I look forward to the next five years with her. Even if it’s just me who cleans the litter box majority of the time.
